biblioklept

1. Haruki Marukami
2. Joyce Carol Oates
3. Philip Roth
4. John Updike
5. Saul Bellow
6. Paul Bowles
7. Edith Wharton

1. Superman character design reboot — everything’s exactly the same, only Superman now has small orange-feathered wings growing out of his neck. Clark Kent wears a permanent neck brace.
   
2. Stunning new issue reveals Batman won’t eat broccoli.
3. Special Aquaman appearance in Little Mermaid reboot in which Aquaman murders Scuttle.
4. Martian Manhunter releases dope mixtape (under his alias J’onn J’onzz); Pitchfork gives it a 6.2.
5. Wonder Woman sends back her sarapatel — “Sorry, just doesn’t taste authentic.”
6. Flash is the subject of a shortlived 1990s TV show remembered fondly by exactly no one. Danny Elfman composes the score.
7. Green Lantern stalks former high school girlfriend on Facebook; spends hours watching locomotive trains on YouTube; argues frequently with neighbors; has occasional thoughts about suicide.

1. Reboot of True Blood as a half-hour sitcom focused on Merlotte’s; Lafayette is the star, that red headed chick is his sidekick, and Sookie is nowhere in sight.

2. Reboot/sequel of Battlestar Galactica that picks up right where the second reboot ended, in modern-day New York City. No sci-fi elements. The series is simply a dull soap opera.

3. Girls/Game of Thrones mashup; the Khaleesi sends her dragons to eat privileged white people in Brooklyn. The series is over in about 4 minutes.

4. Sequel to The Wire that takes place entirely in your imagination; you occasionally muddle key details.

5. Reboot of Mad Men as insufferable single-camera faux documentary 30 minute sitcom featuring direct-to-camera interviews, etc.

6. A fourth season of Bored to Death; each episode is 8 minutes long and embedded as a series of “commercial breaks” into random late-night infomercials.

7. Reboot of Family Ties as a serious one hour drama / secret mash-up with Batttlestar Galactica (Dad Keaton begins to suspect that Alex is a cylcon—or is he a cylon himself?!).

8. American version of Downton Abbey that lasts nine seasons longer than the British version.

9. Nine hour miniseries sequel to Xena: Warrior Princess.

10. Reboot of The Sopranos in the style of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

11. Reboot of Freaks and Geeks that gets canceled after one season but no one from the show moves on to any measure of fame or success.

12. Reboot of Seinfeld as a series of dramatic monologues performed by subterranean survivors of some unnameable apocalypse.

13. Reboot of Breaking Bad without cancer, meth, crime plots. Series is about a high school teacher and his family.

14. Reboot of Entourage as a first-person shooter video game where players can repeatedly execute the characters.

15. A fourth season of Deadwood.

1. The part where Ahab says he’d strike at the sun if it insulted him.
2. The fight at Ennet halfway house.
3. When Bloom stands up to the cyclops.
4. Judge Holden directing the men to make gunpowder.
5. Pretty much all of “The Bear.”
6. When Raskolnikov does the second murder.
7. Janie kills Teacake.
8. The chapter where Netley drives Gull around London and Gull extemporizes a lecture on history and crime.
9. Those last twenty pages of Correction.
10. Bast yelling in anger at little JR.
11. That other underground man, the invisible one, escaping electroshock experiments in the hospital.
12. Lear and his dead daughter Cordelia.

1. Heaven’s Gate
   
2. John Carter from Mars
3. My Blueberry Nights
4. The Box
5. Dune
6. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
7. The Adventures of Baron Munchausen 
8. Popeye
9. Krull
10. Nothing But Trouble
11. Showgirls

1. Joseph Cornell’s boxes.
2. Much of J.G. Ballard, especially the stuff in the ’70s and ’80s.
3. The Residents.
4. The films of the Brothers Quay.
5. Charles Burns’s stuff.
6. Wm. Burroughs, or the idea of Wm. Burroughs.
7. Joseph Beuys and his goddamn fat and felt.

1. McNulty & Bunk
2. Carver & Herc
3. Poot & Bodie
4. Avon & Stringer
5. Freamon & Bunk
6. Kima & McNulty
7. Freamon & Prez
8. Rhonda & Daniels
9. McNulty & Freamon
10. Snoop & Chris
11. Omar & Brother Mouzone