An art thief is a man who takes pictures.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
It was the blurst of times.
Take my wife—please.
You have a better chance of stopping a serial killer than a serial thief in comedy.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
Ducks will never hug! This devastating thought will consume my evening.
I’m wild about his turnip tops.
Likes the way he warms my chops!
I can’t do without my kitchen man.
Now when I eat his donut
All I leave is just the hole.
And if he really needs it,
He can use my sugar bowl!
I’d like to give my kid an interesting name. Like a name with no vowels … just like 40 Fs, that’s his name.
Just realized ducks can’t hug and now I can’t sleep.
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I think I am, therefore I am. I think.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
Life is a four-letter word.
#1: Hey, I hear you got a job as a salesman.
#2: Sure did. Pays real good.
#1: What do you sell?
#2: I sell salt.
#1: Is that right? I’ll be. I sell pepper.
Let’s face it, some people have a way with words. Other people, uhh . . . oh . . . not have way, I guess.
I’d like to have 19 kids. I think naming them, that’s going to be fun. I already have names picked out. First kid — boy, girl, I don’t care — I’m naming it Rrrrrrrrrrrr.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
The funniest food: ‘kumquats.’ I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
“Honey, I’m home!”
Just realized giraffes can’t hug and now I can’t sleep.
My real name is bdbdbdbdbdbd. My sister’s name was yullyullyull.
You’re watching a guy do your material and people are laughing, but they’re laughing because they think this performer has a brilliant mind and he’s a funny person.
Just realized horses can’t hug and now I can’t sleep.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
I think he sort of got some of my jokes in his head and got sloppy.
Little tiny hairs.
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. Cause by the time it’s done, who knows?