Time to round up all the awful people of 2007. This list is in no way definitive, and it’s barely in hierarchal order, but I think it’s sound enough. Just like last year’s list (for the record, everyone on that list was also horrible in 2007), the miscreants represented are limited to Americans only–there are simply too many assholes out there to take on the whole world.
10. Michael Vick:
Organizing the killing of dogs for sport and entertainment–and to make money–makes you a complete asshole.
9. The multitude of vacuous, soulless, slutty “celebrities,” whose malfeasance and just plain general dumbness passes for “culture” these days:
We’re not going to name them, because we’re sick of them and so are you. Still, coverage of their worthless exploits continues to metastasize like cancer. Perhaps we should blame the American people? Nah…this blog is pro-America! Which brings us to an attack on–
8. The Democratic Party:
The Democratic Party has spent this entire decade as impotent mugwumps, a collection of scaredy-cat politicians who fell into every trap the well-organized Republicans set for them. Even with the Congressional and Senate majority, they still couldn’t manage to do anything to stop the steady growing institutionalizing of a stark divide between the haves and the have-nots.
7. The Republican Party and every fool who still supports them:
I’m still amazed to run into Bush supporters. I got over my liberal outrage a few years ago (it became unsustainable in the face of the sheer ludicrous evil perpetuated by the Neocons in the name of “security”), and my liquid rage has now gelled into detached cynicism. Still, when I encounter any “Republicans” who defend the Bush administration, I love to ask them why they support a monster who has so dramatically increased government spending, as well as the role of the federal government in the lives of Americans. The average Republican seems to respond only in hypothetical rhetorical questions–“You think Gore would’ve done a better job?” or worse, points out that Bush was the “moral” candidate (uh…Katrina?). Still, I get the sad feeling that these chumps were fooled by one of the most organized political efforts in American history to consolidate power and revoke civil liberties.
6. OJ Simpson:
Speaking of hypothetical rhetoric, before he was roughing up sports memorabilia dealers in Las Vegas, OJ Simpson was hard at work getting If I Did It: Confessions of the Murderer published. According to a Fox press release (there was going to be a tell-all interview aired; for once moral outrage trumped poor taste): “O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes. In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade.”
Wow. What a fucking asshole.
5. Alberto Gonzales:
Gonzales was either lying when he repeatedly said he didn’t or couldn’t recall any details about the 2006 firing of eight US attorneys for their political persuasions (um, they weren’t “loyal Bushies“), or he was just grossly incompetent in his position as US Attorney General. It took him months to resign, and even then, the Bush administration continued to support him.
4. Nancy Grace, Bill O’Reilly, and every other douchebag who perpetuates sensationalist, divisive nonsense under the guise of “journalism”:
This brand of yellow journalism has been around forever, but in recent years its proliferation has become unbearable. Even worse, it’s starting to infect mainstream journalism, which increasingly tells “stories,” instead of simply reporting the news. Plus, Nancy Grace is an awful bitch.
3. Dick Cheney:
Make no mistake, Dick Cheney’s evil hasn’t fallen off any–sure he came in at #2 last year, but, as I said at the beginning of this list, the rankings are somewhat arbitrary. I suppose he got a little bit of cred this year for not shooting any old men in the face (at least none that we know of). Evil and secretive, Cheney believes that Americans are idiots, sheep who need to be sheparded.
2. The perpetrator of the Virginia Tech Massacre, and every other asshole who feels like mass murder will make them famous and heal their sick spirit:
I won’t publish his name or even link to it, for that matter. These people want fame and recognition, a glory after death, to be remembered and recognized, and I don’t wish to be part of that. But still. This guy was clearly one of the worst–if not the worst–persons of 2007. These types of killings keep happening again and again, and I am in no way discounting or ignoring the other slayings this year–some as recent as last week–but this particular massacre is the worst school shooting in American history. I am still shocked that this tragedy never sparked a full-scale debate leading to gun control reform. Hell, gun control isn’t even a major issue in the 2008 presidential election.
Here are the names of the victims (for a detailed list, go here): Ryan Clark (22), Emily Hilscher (19), Liviu Librescu (76), Minal Panchal (26), G. V. Loganathan (53), Jarrett Lane (22), Brian Bluhm (25), Matthew Gwaltney (24), Jeremy Herbstritt (27), Partahi Lumbantoruan (34), Daniel O’Neil (22), Juan Ortiz (26), Julia Pryde (23), Waleed Shaalan (32), Christopher James Bishop (35), Lauren McCain (20), Michael Pohle Jr. (23), Maxine Turner (22), Nicole White (20), Jocelyne Couture-Nowak (49), Ross Alameddine (20), Austin Cloyd (18), Daniel Perez Cueva (21), Caitlin Hammaren (19), Rachael Hill (18), Matthew La Porte (20), Henry Lee (20), Erin Peterson (18), Mary Read (19), Reema Samaha (18), Leslie Sherman (20), Kevin Granata (45).
1. George W. Bush:
I may now anticipate a response on the order of: “OK, Biblioklept–Bush is awful, but he didn’t murder 33 people in cold blood–what makes him #1 on your list?” Here’s the deal: although Bush hasn’t technically murdered anyone, his war has led to the deaths of thousands and thousands of people, and his radically conservative policies on everything from environmental protection to child health care will have long term detrimental effects on American society for decades to come. He claims that history will judge his presidency, and I believe him: Bush will go down in history as the worst president since Richard Nixon, and will no doubt be judged even more harshly.
Hard at work: